Passing Down

Today, like many days recently, I saw a client who was in pain because of things that had happened in her life.  During our initial session we talked about families.

I am of the opinion that like genetic material, behavioral patterns are passed down through families and through cultures.  From the baby's first breath through every day of his or her life, the way to behave to succeed best in that specific family environment is taught.

Think about it - if you live in a rural (country) society, you learn the skills for getting along within that society. You learn how to be outside and what to do when you are.  Then, if you take that rural person and plop them down in the middle of New York - they have not learned the skills (both large and small) to function well within the city.

Likewise, if you have a family that has the patterns for conservative religion, the child might not function well in a family that is atheist or heavily liberal.

So, patterns for good or bad, are passed down through generations.

For some of the people I talk with - the patterns passed down are ones of addiction or of abuse.  The child learns how to enable, how to survive.  The people I work with often ask what is wrong with them that addiction or abuse was part of their life.

We do genograms (family trees that have addiction, abuse, relationships, and mental health issues added to them) and look at how behaviors are passed down through the family.  Then, we talk about how the question is not why they were involved, but why these things did not happen sooner. ... and why they are no longer happening.  We talk about the strength it takes to change these patterns and how much time it takes to do so.  We talk about the patterns they want to learn and want to pass on.  And we go about deliberately and with fore-thought learning those patterns.

Tonight, I am thinking about the patterns of my own family.  What was handed down and what I, in turn, have passed along to my son.  There is comfort in some of these thoughts.  And there is awareness that not all patterns are ones I have chosen to continue.  ... And, I am looking at patterns anew, considering if there are ones that should be now discarded and replaced by patterns more aligned with the future I see for my son and myself.

Laura