Modeling behavior

I have a rather nasty sinus infection today. Might also have strep - since my son has it, they did not swab me for it, but just prescribed an antibiotic which would cover both. Today I woke up with the intention of going to work (internship) since I was neither running a fever last night nor feeling too bad. But, this morning my throat was so swollen that I could not talk (but did great squeaking to communicate). And I hurt all over. And I had a slight fever. So I called into work and asked them to cancel my appointments.


Work? What do I do? -- Ah, you see, I am an intern working at the Free Clinic. I do mental health counseling and today had 7 clients scheduled. My clients have various levels of need, but two of them for the day had a fairly high level of need. So, I felt as if by staying home, I had let down those clients. And I felt that by staying home I had disappointed all the clients.


I figured since the best I can do today in the talking department is squeak and since I probably am contagious I would not go in. But, I FEEL like I let people down (over-responsible feelings here). And while I am aware of all the reasons to have called in and know it was the right thing to do, my emotions keep trying to be guilty.

Of course, these feelings are grounded in the assumption that counseling each week is important or to some degree essential for these clients. It infers upon the counseling sessions a degree of value that seems to me almost arrogant, with a scent of hubris.


So... I am practicing what I preach to my people - acknowledge the emotion and make a conscious decision to think otherwise. Eventually the feelings will fall into place. And if not, at least guilt will not take root and poison things.


My current thought stream:
"So, yes, I canceled my appointments, and my clients do need the counseling, but this models self-care, this keeps from spreading germs/infection, and modeling self-harming behaviors would be contrary to what I am trying to explain and teach... I will not feel guilty. I will focus on what is important - being the person I need to be, modeling healthy behavior, and abiding by professional protocols (don't make your clients sick)."