Poems from 1998
I would have 04feb98
That night
when we were watching
movies late & each other
in between glances at the TV
I thought about it
and so did you
I would have kissed you
if I had only had more time
to consider consequences
to know you better
to better know myself
I would have kissed you
if it have been two years previous
when a kiss was not all...
I would have kissed you
if only we have not been lying
on my parent's floor
& they would have been disappointed
again...
I would have kissed you
if it were just us
instead the two of us
and all the others I have responsibilities
to and for
I would have kissed you
if only it were just a matter of kissing
and nothing else would have
ever come into play
Yes, that night
I would have kissed you
if only there had not been so many if's
but I did not
and I am glad.
Outside wanting in 04Feb98
You look at us
me & him
cuddling or playing
you want so much
-your look tells -
to be a part
of the two of us
your need makes me wary
knowing I need to protect
the two of us
'though him more than me
so there you stand
close enough to touch
on the outside
wanting in
NightOwls 08Jan98
you cast us out
of the sun
into the dark
for aeons uncounted
we wailed our grief
and shivered our fear
we would not look
& so could not find
we grew stone and weak
finally...
... we opened our eyes
saw through the night
turned arms to owl wings
we hunt now
under Mother Moon
sustaining ourselves
nourishing ourselves
as we find wisdom
in our flight
Hard Won 02Jul98
being one to fall deeply
though not easily
I have loved a few
freely giving them
a piece of myself
and these few I love still
However much otherwise
I wish it to be
I have learned
Love is often just not enough
Survivor March 11 1998
She lies there
Legs spread
Hands busy between
Her face is contorted
A grimace newly
Washed with tears
Her throat is clenched
All appearances of passion
Savage and cruel on her face
And in her mind
She screams to them
You’ll not win
I WILL LIKE THIS AGAIN.
The Child Within 11 March 1998
The child within
Long lost and
Longer still to be found
Weeps for the woman
Lying there
And knows the length
Of the days
Before the cracks
Can be repaired
Lost 11 March 1998
Nothing is certain
Centered in this moment
That rocks crazy
From dreams of ghosts
Nothing has been the case
For longer than the moon
And still covers a good half
The sun
Fear 11 March, 1998
Courage gathered…
Touch of lips
Brushed softly
By yours
And hope flew
Forth on broken-
Healed wings
Caressing air currents
Courage to Heal 11 March, 1998
I read the book
Trying to find the cracks
Inside my skin
For the purpose of applying
Some super glue or apoxy
And when I put it down
And walk into another room
I find that there is nothing left
As the pages have
Sieved from my mind
With every step I took
Nother 11 March, 1998
I type nothing
And see the word Nother on the screen
I type longer
And see nother again
The combination
I am beginning to feel
Of mother and nothing
When I think of the child within
Mother to all
But not to her
Nothing to her
Her nothing mother
Her nother
Thoughts 11 March, 1998
my legs are unshaved
yet another day
…too soon yet
to think of putting a razor
next to soft skin
and pulling the blade
maybe tomorrow
the fourth day
since the flashes
of past into headaches
since migraines and hiding
you’ll know when I am over it
if over it I’ll ever truly be
when I shave my legs again
wear perfume
let myself be feminine once more
…………………………………….
Survivors and Victims 11 March, 1998
If you wish you may call yourself
Whatever you want
Whatever word fits your soul
Me…
I am a survivor
I am a survivor of sexual abuse
Perpetuated upon me by other children
And I am a survivor of the abuse
Perpetuated upon me by myself in all the years since.
I was never a victim.
I will never BE a victim.
A victim is someone who lets abuse seep into her soul
Who lets abuse twist her life until she cannot breathe
Who lets herself be killed and let zombie.
A victim let the world touch her soul,
forcing her to be less than she could have been
A survivor may not be able to stop the abuse.
Cannot stop the abuse.
A survivor does not ever let the abuse touch her soul.
There, if no where else, the survivor is pure and whole.
I am a survivor
healing and learning to live.
I am a survivor.
mother to Brian.
Mother to myself.
I am me.
That night
when we were watching
movies late & each other
in between glances at the TV
I thought about it
and so did you
I would have kissed you
if I had only had more time
to consider consequences
to know you better
to better know myself
I would have kissed you
if it have been two years previous
when a kiss was not all...
I would have kissed you
if only we have not been lying
on my parent's floor
& they would have been disappointed
again...
I would have kissed you
if it were just us
instead the two of us
and all the others I have responsibilities
to and for
I would have kissed you
if only it were just a matter of kissing
and nothing else would have
ever come into play
Yes, that night
I would have kissed you
if only there had not been so many if's
but I did not
and I am glad.
Outside wanting in 04Feb98
You look at us
me & him
cuddling or playing
you want so much
-your look tells -
to be a part
of the two of us
your need makes me wary
knowing I need to protect
the two of us
'though him more than me
so there you stand
close enough to touch
on the outside
wanting in
NightOwls 08Jan98
you cast us out
of the sun
into the dark
for aeons uncounted
we wailed our grief
and shivered our fear
we would not look
& so could not find
we grew stone and weak
finally...
... we opened our eyes
saw through the night
turned arms to owl wings
we hunt now
under Mother Moon
sustaining ourselves
nourishing ourselves
as we find wisdom
in our flight
Hard Won 02Jul98
being one to fall deeply
though not easily
I have loved a few
freely giving them
a piece of myself
and these few I love still
However much otherwise
I wish it to be
I have learned
Love is often just not enough
Survivor March 11 1998
She lies there
Legs spread
Hands busy between
Her face is contorted
A grimace newly
Washed with tears
Her throat is clenched
All appearances of passion
Savage and cruel on her face
And in her mind
She screams to them
You’ll not win
I WILL LIKE THIS AGAIN.
The Child Within 11 March 1998
The child within
Long lost and
Longer still to be found
Weeps for the woman
Lying there
And knows the length
Of the days
Before the cracks
Can be repaired
Lost 11 March 1998
Nothing is certain
Centered in this moment
That rocks crazy
From dreams of ghosts
Nothing has been the case
For longer than the moon
And still covers a good half
The sun
Fear 11 March, 1998
Courage gathered…
Touch of lips
Brushed softly
By yours
And hope flew
Forth on broken-
Healed wings
Caressing air currents
Courage to Heal 11 March, 1998
I read the book
Trying to find the cracks
Inside my skin
For the purpose of applying
Some super glue or apoxy
And when I put it down
And walk into another room
I find that there is nothing left
As the pages have
Sieved from my mind
With every step I took
Nother 11 March, 1998
I type nothing
And see the word Nother on the screen
I type longer
And see nother again
The combination
I am beginning to feel
Of mother and nothing
When I think of the child within
Mother to all
But not to her
Nothing to her
Her nothing mother
Her nother
Thoughts 11 March, 1998
my legs are unshaved
yet another day
…too soon yet
to think of putting a razor
next to soft skin
and pulling the blade
maybe tomorrow
the fourth day
since the flashes
of past into headaches
since migraines and hiding
you’ll know when I am over it
if over it I’ll ever truly be
when I shave my legs again
wear perfume
let myself be feminine once more
…………………………………….
Survivors and Victims 11 March, 1998
If you wish you may call yourself
Whatever you want
Whatever word fits your soul
Me…
I am a survivor
I am a survivor of sexual abuse
Perpetuated upon me by other children
And I am a survivor of the abuse
Perpetuated upon me by myself in all the years since.
I was never a victim.
I will never BE a victim.
A victim is someone who lets abuse seep into her soul
Who lets abuse twist her life until she cannot breathe
Who lets herself be killed and let zombie.
A victim let the world touch her soul,
forcing her to be less than she could have been
A survivor may not be able to stop the abuse.
Cannot stop the abuse.
A survivor does not ever let the abuse touch her soul.
There, if no where else, the survivor is pure and whole.
I am a survivor
healing and learning to live.
I am a survivor.
mother to Brian.
Mother to myself.
I am me.
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