Passing Down

Today, like many days recently, I saw a client who was in pain because of things that had happened in her life.  During our initial session we talked about families.

I am of the opinion that like genetic material, behavioral patterns are passed down through families and through cultures.  From the baby's first breath through every day of his or her life, the way to behave to succeed best in that specific family environment is taught.

Think about it - if you live in a rural (country) society, you learn the skills for getting along within that society. You learn how to be outside and what to do when you are.  Then, if you take that rural person and plop them down in the middle of New York - they have not learned the skills (both large and small) to function well within the city.

Likewise, if you have a family that has the patterns for conservative religion, the child might not function well in a family that is atheist or heavily liberal.

So, patterns for good or bad, are passed down through generations.

For some of the people I talk with - the patterns passed down are ones of addiction or of abuse.  The child learns how to enable, how to survive.  The people I work with often ask what is wrong with them that addiction or abuse was part of their life.

We do genograms (family trees that have addiction, abuse, relationships, and mental health issues added to them) and look at how behaviors are passed down through the family.  Then, we talk about how the question is not why they were involved, but why these things did not happen sooner. ... and why they are no longer happening.  We talk about the strength it takes to change these patterns and how much time it takes to do so.  We talk about the patterns they want to learn and want to pass on.  And we go about deliberately and with fore-thought learning those patterns.

Tonight, I am thinking about the patterns of my own family.  What was handed down and what I, in turn, have passed along to my son.  There is comfort in some of these thoughts.  And there is awareness that not all patterns are ones I have chosen to continue.  ... And, I am looking at patterns anew, considering if there are ones that should be now discarded and replaced by patterns more aligned with the future I see for my son and myself.

Laura

Strength versus weakness

Sometimes the clients want to know WHY they have been in abusive relationships or why they found their lives bound by addiction.  They want to know what is broken and wrong with them that these damaging influences are in their lives.  They want to know why they are so weak.

This is often why the first out of session task is to complete a family tree with additions for substance use/misuse, alcohol use/misuse, mental health issues, relationship information, and anything else important to that client.  Several clients recently have been in tears looking at family histories of addiction, abuse, and broken relationships.  Knowing the stories is different from seeing the chains of those stories connecting generation to generation.

When looking at the multi-generational history of abuse or addiction, the question really is HOW could they have avoided this!  Predisposition is genetically inherited for addiction and for many mental health illnesses.  Behavior patterns are taught from the baby's first breath throughout his or her life.

The statement following the question of HOW is this:  And what do you think of the strength you have which you are using to break this pattern?

I ask:  Have you looked at how very much work you are doing to NOT CONTINUE this cycle?

When the shaky smile appears, I say softly, You have so much to be proud about.

And then for a while there is silence as awareness seeps through being.

Then the client squares his or her shoulders, seems just a bit taller... and the journey begins....


Today my thought is this - how many times do we look at one small part of the picture and berate ourselves for weakness when looking at the larger picture shows our strength shining through?

Laura