Question - asked to me by someone:
How can you feel connected to the world when other people talk about "hurting" or about "not being able to do what they used to" and you are looking at them do things YOU can only dream about doing? For example, a couple talks about it being harder on them to do their garden. You watch them carry a bucket from one side of the large garden to the other. And, you are thinking - I could not even WALK across the garden...
Another example: You are limited in your foods due to physical causes (allergies, medical conditions, etc.), and when you see others talk about "a game" of picking 5 or 6 foods and living on those - you think "This is real to me, not a game."
A third example: You have a hidden disability. When people see you, they assume you should be able to do just what they can do. Or, you have a visible disability. When people see you, they assume your physical condition is impacting your intelligence... and so they talk louder and slower.
When things like that happen - how do you find a way to live your life with grace and comfort? How do you connect to people who do not even understand your reality? Do you address the prejudice and bias? How do you overcome your own prejudices and biases?
I have been searching for an answer for this person - or even just a direction to suggest, and find my answers are very much not ones that will likely work for the person. Any suggestions?
[Comment 1 of 2]
ReplyDeleteThis is a very difficult question, and one that I have frequently struggled with myself over the years. :)
(The following is assuming they are speaking of strangers and not close associations?)
I have come to determine that the problem is not necessarily in others, but, rather, in myself. It is very difficult to connect with others when they judge you immediately, or when you see them doing things you could only dream of doing. But the thing to remember, is that they /don't/ know you. How could expect them to understand you when you are strangers? Or if they have not been through what you have?
Similarly, you don't understand them in the ways they need to be understood. They struggle with their own problems. But everyone keeps their struggles internalized to at least some degree - which means we are /all/ having difficultly truly connecting to the world around us, or at least have at some point. We just forget to remember we aren't alone in that struggle. :)
While you are looking at them carrying a bucket of water to the other side of the garden, but you know you couldn't even make the /walk/, and you are jealous of that fact...it is entirely possible, you have some kind of talent or ability that they have observed in you and also envy. :)
Being upset that someone expects you to perform at their level when they are not aware of a disability you possess, but also being upset when they treat you differently because they are aware of the disability…well…to me, that is a little silly. I don’t say that to be insensitive; I struggled with the same thing. And that is why I can say it is silly. :) I realized that was me placing an unfair expectation on others as well as an unfair limitation upon myself. Either way, it was me judging myself and keeping myself down – not the others around me. If they did not know, they could not accommodate me – but if they did know, they didn’t necessarily know how to accommodate me. In the end, I was always upset with myself and asking myself why /I/ couldn’t be “better” or “normal”…and that is when I chose instead to be upset at the others. “Well, they should just know! Isn’t it obvious that I am struggling?!” or “How could they be so uneducated?!” or whatever else train of thought you wish to insert there. Because if I could judge others instead of myself, I wasn’t placing the blame on myself and I was just a victim of circumstance. But…eventually, the truth made itself known: I hated myself. I judged myself. I was scared of myself – I was scared to find out if I could perform higher than was expected of me, or if it really was just lower performance that needed the accommodation I hinted at. It was not necessarily them; it was me being in turmoil with myself and my circumstances. I could not accept myself.
Anyway, getting to the point of it being a "you" issue: Once you can accept yourself fully as you are, it will no longer matter what others think or what others can do that you cannot. When you care what others think, it is because they have pointed out a spot you were quietly judging yourself on, or pondering about judging yourself on. They hit a sore spot, and so you care and you react. On my personal journey for inner-peace, I have found that the more I have gained it, the less the external world bothers me. The problems I saw around me were typically related to problems I did not wish to face in myself. It has gotten easier to make connections, because I can now see past expectation and limitation placed by both myself and others. Do not give yourself either, and do not give others either – otherwise you will always be disappointed. By not placing expectations on strangers and limitations on myself (and vice versa), I am almost always happy with social outcomes. :)
[Comment 2 of 2]
ReplyDeleteIt is perhaps a “lazy person” philosophy…but I honestly believe in “setting the bar” low. By always setting it low, either myself or others always exceed the bar, and I am therefore always content. Although, do not get me wrong; standards and “the bar” are not one in the same. Do not ever let anyone step all over you by mistaking a “low bar” for being the same as “low standards”. :) I could ramble a deal more about the differences between the two…but I won’t. ^^;; I am certain my comment is long enough as is. I hope it makes sense; I am about half-asleep at the moment!
Oh…and connections are easier to make when you are able to find a common interest. :) Don’t depend on making connections by physical capabilities, or let connections be hindered by unspoken judgments. Because first: No one has the exact same capabilities. Second: Everyone judges, and it would be a very lonely world if we let those get in the way every time. :) Usually first-impression judgments can be cleared up pretty easily, so do not fret. There are other ways to connect. You can connect through humor, through music, through hobbies, through childhood stories, through…well, all sorts of things. It’s just figuring out what those common things are that can sometimes prove difficult. But just because they can carry a bucket of water where you can’t walk, it does not mean you can’t still connect. It may take a little effort, but there is inevitably something else you will have in common. ^_^
Just…have fun. Live your life. Be yourself. :) People will be drawn to you, and the right ones will hopefully be obvious. ^_^
Anyway…I don’t know that this was terribly helpful, and I apologize if that is the case. :) I hope that you can find a good answer for your friend. <3 Best of luck!