Paper for NCU regarding my motivation for obtaining a PhD

Reflection Paper

Laura Ann Collins

Northcentral University

Reflection Paper

Motivation:

            I started my PhD program at Northcentral University after researching online PhD programs for well over a year.  Why am I obtaining a PhD?  After all, the degree is expensive, it has little licensing benefit in my field of mental health counseling, it takes a significant time commitment…  The reasons against obtaining a PhD are legion. 

            However, I have also worked as a QMHP (Qualified Mental Health Professional) providing MHSS (Mental Health Skill-Building Services).  I currently work with individuals who are recipients of multiple social services.  I am a member of my community.  I see, daily, people whose lives are fractured and painful.  I see people who are taking ALL the “right” medications… and still hurting… still unable to function… still lacking a certain quality of life.  

            At first, I was angry about this.  I spoke with different charities.  I provided classes through my work.  I developed handouts and worksheets.  It was like trying to drain the ocean with a teaspoon.  So, I turned to reading and learning.  The scope of the problem is tremendous.  The number of attempts to “fix” things is huge.  Some attempts have provided partial successes.  Some have provided dismal failures.  But, none of these attempts have been comprehensive.  None are universal.

            So, I sought information about why not.  Answers ranged from the imbalance between immediate cost of program and potential savings of reduction of need, politics, delivery method, state of the field of prevention, and so forth.  After extensive reading, I developed the firm belief that the only dependable method for a comprehensive program to be delivered is through the school system.  I started talking with stakeholders.  And, I was told repeatedly that this idea is simply NOT possible.  So, I started to look into HOW to make it possible.

            Schools will not buy-in without evidence that the program is effective.  Proof cannot be obtained without trialing the program.  Funding is limited and nobody is going to fund something on a theory.  But new programs ARE funded.  So, I started to look into how to obtain funding.  I have a master’s program.  I am a resident in counseling with a supervisor and working toward licensure.  My lack of “real experience in counseling”, my lack of “authority”, my lack of “knowledge of psychological programs” are all cited as reasons why this is “just not possible”.  There are a great many people who tell me this cannot be done.  I do understand it has not yet been done.  However, what is now does not limit what can be. 

            So, I will obtain the credentials and the “authority” through my PhD program.  While I am working on my PhD, I will gain my LPC license and accrue “practical knowledge”.   My background as an entrepreneur will assist with funding.  My determination to fill a need I see within my community is my drive.  I am no longer angry.  Anger provides energy, but that energy burns out over time, leaving ashes of despair.  No, I am no longer angry. 

            I am determined.  I believe the purpose of my life is to serve my community.  My community needs this.  I see that need each day.  The people who also see this need are the ones who are living it.  When I talk with them, I hear their support and their hope.  I teach individuals, but that limits the reach of change to such a small portion of people when there is such significant need.  In order to reach more individuals, the program needs to be manualized and then have a national delivery.

            This is needed.  One way or another, I WILL make it happen.  It is that simple.

Personal Reflections:

Commons Post:

            I elected not to post in the Commons.  I have several support groups online through Facebook.  I have in-person support in the form of family and friends.  I have partial support from various professional and community contacts – partial meaning that some of my activities are supported and some are questioned.  Between work, family, friends, wellness practices, physical disabilities, and school, I am operating at my maximum capacity.  The idea of needing to tend to one more item was nauseating.  Therefore, I decided to accept whatever point reduction may result from not posting.  I do not particularly want or need to have another community to which I belong. 

            Why?  First, I am an introvert.  Even online socialization takes energy.  Second, I carved out enough time to complete assignments and study.  Third, I have 4 different groups to which I tend.  I do not have time or energy for a 5^th.  Fourth, I do not do things incompletely.  Posting, collecting responses, and then ignoring the group would be unacceptable.  Finally, I have plenty of support through the other aspects of my life.  If there are academic concerns, NCU provides excellent advisors who I can contact.

Three Resources from the Center for Academic Success

            I have very much enjoyed utilizing the Writing Handbook.  I have, in fact, printed most of the items off for easy reference.  I also have been referred to, and have utilized, the Resources for Writers regarding APA format.  Finally, I can see where both the webinars and the academic coaching services will be useful.  I have not utilized them yet, but suspect that I will.  The other resources I use each time I write a paper are the APA Publication Manual (required text for NCU) and White’s Elements of Style (which I have from when I was in high school).

Personal Doctoral Narrative

            My personal doctoral narrative would be identical to the narrative written for motivation.  However, I will utilize this space to provide some background which may make my narrative more understandable.  And, may make my statements about limited energy more relevant.

            I am 42 years old.  I am a trauma survivor.  I have been involved in the mental health system since 2^nd grade when I expressed suicidal ideation to my parents and was entered into counseling.  I received counseling off and on through childhood and adolescence.  During that time, I met criteria for Bipolar I disorder, OCD, PTSD, and GAD.  However, diagnosis in the 80’s was different than today.  I believe my records show mood disorder.  While in college, I engaged in intensive therapy and completed extensive self-work.  I earned my contentment and stability.  Today, I am not currently in counseling…. Mostly because my last counselor moved.  It is likely I will partake in counseling services, off and on, through the rest of my life when events are larger than my ability to cope.

            I currently meet criteria for cyclothymia, SAD, PTSD, and OCD (although my OCD is mostly in remission).  For the most part, my symptoms are under control.  I take Prozac 20 mg daily (and have done so for the last 18 years) which allows me to sleep at night.  Without the Prozac, I do not sleep.  Without sleep, my symptoms come back. 

           With the Prozac, I sleep.  However, I also lose the wild creativity which compelled me to write poetry for hours at a time.  It is an acceptable trade.  I express gentle creativity through cooking, creating jewelry, and other arts/crafts.  I write sometimes and post that on my blog.  I take photos of wildflowers.  Regarding OCD, I am quite organized, but no longer feel compelled to line things up on shelves and desks with rulers and t-squares.  I have been stable for over a decade.

            I have multiple physical issues.  I have extensive allergies, including anaphylactic reactions to airborne corn, wheat, black pepper, and all derivatives of the three.  To someone who is not corn allergic, it is almost impossible to understand the pervasiveness of corn and corn-based derivatives in American life. 

            I am extremely lucky.  My allergies are, at least today, manageable.  I am an excellent cook (and even have published a grain-free cookbook for Kindle on Amazon).  I can make most all foods I want.  I know of others who cannot leave their homes due to exposure problems.   I can leave my home.  I can go to work.  There is much I can do. 

            However, there is also the reality that when I go to the store, there is a 75% likelihood I will be exposed to something which will cause allergic reaction.  There is the reality that one of my clients may wear perfume when coming to counseling.  There is the reality that having people into my home means I WILL be exposed to fumes which off-gas from their laundry and body products and it WILL cause some degree of reaction.  There is the reality that my allergies are a moving target and one day I will likely be housebound with them.

            I have migraines (which can sometimes blind me), fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, hypermobile joints resulting in joint damage, permanent nerve damage in my back from a car accident, asthma, chronic ear infections, chronic bronchitis, and assorted other issues.  These all mean that I ALWAYS hurt.  And, that energy is spent moving through the day regardless of the pain. 

            To manage mental health and physical health, I must pay close attention to my energy levels.  For example, I got overly-involved in homework last weekend and spent more time/energy than I should have on researching/writing papers.  A paper was turned in late.  By Wednesday, the ear infection I had been managing was no longer manageable.  I stopped using herbal and alternative methods of treatment, got antibiotics, and slept the next 3 days.  My eardrum burst on Thursday.  I was back at work on Saturday.  However, I am still very tired.  So, my normal 9-10 hours of sleep is currently about 13 hours of sleep.

            In my life, each action or choice has a fairly clear consequence.  Taking two classes at a time was a lousy choice.  The amount of energy required and the amount of stress generated resulted in reduced immunity, increased infections, increased intensity of allergic reaction, and increased inflammation.  Choosing to go into stores for Christmas presents compounded the consequences of taking two classes.  The crazy weather complicated the situation.  It is likely going to take a couple months to get back to my baseline.  To regain baseline, I will have to increase my wellness and self-care practices.  This will take time and energy.  This is my reality.

            I qualify for disability.  I qualify for ADA accommodations.  I have chosen to not pursue either.  I need deadlines in my life so that I can meet them.  Accommodations would result in very few met deadlines.  Disability status has stigma which is soul-sucking.  I may not have a choice about accepting disability in the future.  But I DO have one now.  And I elect to continue with what I can do, as I can do it.

            When I look at what I have overcome and what I deal with on a daily basis, I know my own strength.  When I stand on the core of my being, I know my purpose is to serve.  When I see the need in the community, I know my passion.  I am goal-oriented.  I have spent a lifetime developing the skills I need to meet this challenge. 

            This needs done.  I will make it happen.  It is still that simple.