Self-Care. Self-Love. And a journey to lose weight

A Facebook conversation I had with a friend:

Self-love/Self-care 101 from a dear friend, Laura A Rowsey-Collins
*The shape of you is nothing to be ashamed of. If you wish to lose weight for the health of you that is certainly a good thing. But your value has nothing to do with a scale number or an appearance. your value has to do with who you are your value also has to do how you exist in the world and what you put into the world. So doing the things to improve your health that you know will improve your health that is self-care. Knowing you have value regardless of appearance or scale number or any other external metric that is self-love. Perhaps the transparency is that you are learning to love yourself no matter what shape your body has

* And perhaps part of self-love is knowing that you were doing the things you need to do to improve the health and the comfort of your body

> MY FRIEND:  'My greatest 'self-care' acheivement of the weekend was NOT BINGEING in order to bear my negative emotions over this picture!'

*That is indeed a self-caring achievement.

*You might want to think of negative emotions as "indicators" that what you are reacting to violates in some way your idea for what should be or what your goals are. For instance, regarding dismay over pictures, perhaps that is an indicator that you are not yet where you want to be. So, it is an indicator you are still on your journey to better health.

Or, it can be an indicator that your mental picture of self does not match paper image of self - and so there needs to be work on revising either the way to see your mental self or the way you perceive the paper version.

Distress is not a reason to lapse or wallow. (even though sometimes a good wallow is helpful)... It is instead an indicator that there is misalignment between a fact and a thought.

When distress is a tool that you can use to focus your attention, it stops being a trigger for self-destructive behavior. Instead, it becomes something useful and purposeful.

Why insults are chosen. A discussion

I have had this conversation with several people recently.  Why do people use the insults they do?  What is it about mean comments that hurt so much?  And what do we do about it?

First, let’s consider why people pick the insults they choose. 

A master status is central to the core identity of the person.  Age, gender, race/ethnicity are considered to be master statuses.  Religion, culture, sexual identity, socioeconomic status, ability or disability – these are also types of master statuses.  Occupation can be a master status.

A master status is BOTH 

how the individual sees himself or herself

AND how he or she is labeled 

by the society in which he or she lives.

These are examples of the master status labels which define my life.

I am a 43-year-old, Caucasian female.  I am of above average intelligence.  I am not particularly comfortable in large groups as I am a fairly strong introvert.  I love resources and information.  And, I have a history of cyclothymia (a low-grade type of bipolar disorder) and OCD.  I am a counselor.  I am a mother.  I live in a rural area. 

When people choose to try to insult someone, they select a master status to attack…  For example, trying to insult me by using racial slurs which are not associated with my being Caucasian would just seem silly.  However, because I live in rural Appalachia, a more likely insult would be terms such as “redneck”.  As a female, it would make no sense to attempt to insult me by using such terms as “chauvinist pig”.  Instead, insults which attack my femininity would be more likely. 

A second way that people try to insult others is by using stigmatized labels or social roles.  With respect to gender, another typical insult would be to attack my lack of ability to comply with accepted gender roles (ex. “pushy broad”).  A way to use stigmatized label of mental illness could be found in insults which minimize the person’s ability, such as dismissing organization as “just being OCD,” or incorrectly apply mental illness labels to perfectly normal reactions (such as labeling anger at being mistreated as “the person just being crazy”).

A third way of insulting others is to take something treasured by the person and use it to attack the person.  For example, I love learning.  A way to insult that would be to label me a “know-it-all” or “a brainiac”.

So, these are some of the reasons why the specific insult is chosen.  Now, why does a specific person pick a specific insult?  The answer is that the person is selecting the insult which most appeals to that person’s biases or fears.  The person who is afraid that I am more intelligent than he or she is would pick the insults about my intelligence.  The person who is threatened by my expression of opinion my attempt to insult my ability to fill a gender role.  The person who feels anxiety about race or religion will select insults about those statuses. 

This leads us to learning what we can do about insults.  First of all, know that the person who is producing the insults is attempting to reduce his/her anxiety and to increase his/her confidence within him/herself.   There is truth in the idea that an insult tells more about the one being insulting than the target of the insult. 

For the person who is attempting to label me as a “pushy broad”, I can respond with stating that it is not pushy to verbalize an opinion and inquire what about my having an opinion makes the person uncomfortable.  I can also respond by addressing the feeling which may be behind the statement.  Perhaps the person felt as if his or her opinion was not given due consideration… and so an offer to listen more to his or her idea may help fix the situation.

Second, know yourself.  When you know who you are and what is important to you, then it is not as likely that someone can hurt you with insulting comments.  For example, when my organization is dismissed as OCD, because I know that I have done the work to make sure it is NOT OCD, I can inquire if the person being insulting needs help learning how to organize his or her life. 

Third, understand some people are not rational or nice.  They will simply be mean because they think they can.  In those cases, it is important to know yourself so you do not take that insult into yourself.  Instead, think Teflon shoulders and brush that nonsense off.  And walk away.  You don’t need negative people like that in your life.  If you cannot avoid them, try to ignore them.  If you cannot avoid them or ignore them, then it is okay to use gentle verbal challenge and say, “I am sorry you need to say such things” or “Wow, Jealous much?”