I have had this conversation with several people
recently. Why do people use the insults
they do? What is it about mean comments
that hurt so much? And what do we do
about it?
First, let’s consider why people pick the insults they
choose.
A master status is central to the core identity of
the person. Age, gender, race/ethnicity
are considered to be master statuses.
Religion, culture, sexual identity, socioeconomic status, ability or
disability – these are also types of master statuses. Occupation can be a master status.
A master status is
BOTH
how the individual sees himself or herself
AND how he or she is
labeled
by the society in which he or she lives.
These are examples of
the master status labels which define my life.
I am a 43-year-old, Caucasian female. I am of above average intelligence. I am not particularly comfortable in large
groups as I am a fairly strong introvert.
I love resources and information.
And, I have a history of cyclothymia (a low-grade type of bipolar
disorder) and OCD. I am a
counselor. I am a mother. I live in a rural area.
When people choose to try to insult someone, they select a
master status to attack… For example,
trying to insult me by using racial slurs which are not associated with my
being Caucasian would just seem silly.
However, because I live in rural Appalachia, a more likely insult would
be terms such as “redneck”. As a female,
it would make no sense to attempt to insult me by using such terms as
“chauvinist pig”. Instead, insults which
attack my femininity would be more likely.
A second way that people try to insult others is by using
stigmatized labels or social roles. With
respect to gender, another typical insult would be to attack my lack of ability
to comply with accepted gender roles (ex. “pushy broad”). A way to use stigmatized label of mental
illness could be found in insults which minimize the person’s ability, such as
dismissing organization as “just being OCD,” or incorrectly apply mental
illness labels to perfectly normal reactions (such as labeling anger at being
mistreated as “the person just being crazy”).
A third way of insulting others is to take something
treasured by the person and use it to attack the person. For example, I love learning. A way to insult that would be to label me a
“know-it-all” or “a brainiac”.
So, these are some of the reasons why the specific insult is
chosen. Now, why does a specific person
pick a specific insult? The answer is
that the person is selecting the insult which most appeals to that person’s
biases or fears. The person who is
afraid that I am more intelligent than he or she is would pick the insults about
my intelligence. The person who is
threatened by my expression of opinion my attempt to insult my ability to fill
a gender role. The person who feels
anxiety about race or religion will select insults about those statuses.
This leads us to learning what we can do about insults. First of all, know that the person who is
producing the insults is attempting to reduce his/her anxiety and to increase
his/her confidence within him/herself.
There is truth in the idea that an insult tells more about the one being
insulting than the target of the insult.
For the person who is attempting to label me as a “pushy
broad”, I can respond with stating that it is not pushy to verbalize an opinion
and inquire what about my having an opinion makes the person
uncomfortable. I can also respond by
addressing the feeling which may be behind the statement. Perhaps the person felt as if his or her
opinion was not given due consideration… and so an offer to listen more to his
or her idea may help fix the situation.
Second, know yourself.
When you know who you are and what is important to you, then it is not
as likely that someone can hurt you with insulting comments. For example, when my organization is
dismissed as OCD, because I know that I have done the work to make sure it is
NOT OCD, I can inquire if the person being insulting needs help learning how to
organize his or her life.
Third, understand some people are not rational or nice. They will simply be mean because they think
they can. In those cases, it is
important to know yourself so you do not take that insult into yourself. Instead, think Teflon shoulders and brush
that nonsense off. And walk away. You don’t need negative people like that in
your life. If you cannot avoid them, try
to ignore them. If you cannot avoid them
or ignore them, then it is okay to use gentle verbal challenge and say, “I am
sorry you need to say such things” or “Wow, Jealous much?”
