Reflection Paper
Laura Ann Collins
Northcentral
University
Reflection
Paper
Motivation:
I
started my PhD program at Northcentral University after researching online PhD
programs for well over a year. Why am I
obtaining a PhD? After all, the degree
is expensive, it has little licensing benefit in my field of mental health
counseling, it takes a significant time commitment… The reasons against obtaining a PhD are
legion.
However, I have also worked as a QMHP (Qualified Mental
Health Professional) providing MHSS (Mental Health Skill-Building
Services). I currently work with
individuals who are recipients of multiple social services. I am a member of my community. I see, daily, people whose lives are
fractured and painful. I see people who
are taking ALL the “right” medications… and still hurting… still unable to
function… still lacking a certain quality of life.
At first, I was angry about this. I spoke with different charities. I provided classes through my work. I developed handouts and worksheets. It was like trying to drain the ocean with a
teaspoon. So, I turned to reading and
learning. The scope of the problem is
tremendous. The number of attempts to
“fix” things is huge. Some attempts have
provided partial successes. Some have
provided dismal failures. But, none of
these attempts have been comprehensive.
None are universal.
So, I sought information about why not. Answers ranged from the imbalance between immediate
cost of program and potential savings of reduction of need, politics, delivery
method, state of the field of prevention, and so forth. After extensive reading, I developed the firm
belief that the only dependable method for a comprehensive program to be
delivered is through the school system.
I started talking with stakeholders.
And, I was told repeatedly that this idea is simply NOT possible. So, I started to look into HOW to make it
possible.
Schools will not buy-in without evidence that the program is
effective. Proof cannot be obtained
without trialing the program. Funding is
limited and nobody is going to fund something on a theory. But new programs ARE funded. So, I started to look into how to obtain funding. I have a master’s program. I am a resident in counseling with a
supervisor and working toward licensure.
My lack of “real experience in counseling”, my lack of “authority”, my
lack of “knowledge of psychological programs” are all cited as reasons why this
is “just not possible”. There are a
great many people who tell me this cannot be done. I do understand it has not yet been
done. However, what is now does not
limit what can be.
So, I will obtain the credentials and the “authority”
through my PhD program. While I am
working on my PhD, I will gain my LPC license and accrue “practical
knowledge”. My background as an
entrepreneur will assist with funding.
My determination to fill a need I see within my community is my
drive. I am no longer angry. Anger provides energy, but that energy burns
out over time, leaving ashes of despair.
No, I am no longer angry.
I am determined. I
believe the purpose of my life is to serve my community. My community needs this. I see that need each day. The people who also see this need are the
ones who are living it. When I talk with
them, I hear their support and their hope.
I teach individuals, but that limits the reach of change to such a small
portion of people when there is such significant need. In order to reach more individuals, the
program needs to be manualized and then have a national delivery.
This is needed. One
way or another, I WILL make it happen.
It is that simple.
Personal Reflections:
Commons Post:
I elected not to post in the Commons. I have several support groups online through
Facebook. I have in-person support in
the form of family and friends. I have
partial support from various professional and community contacts – partial
meaning that some of my activities are supported and some are questioned. Between work, family, friends, wellness
practices, physical disabilities, and school, I am operating at my maximum
capacity. The idea of needing to tend to
one more item was nauseating. Therefore,
I decided to accept whatever point reduction may result from not posting. I do not particularly want or need to have
another community to which I belong.
Why? First, I am an
introvert. Even online socialization
takes energy. Second, I carved out
enough time to complete assignments and study.
Third, I have 4 different groups to which I tend. I do not have time or energy for a 5th. Fourth, I do not do things incompletely. Posting, collecting responses, and then
ignoring the group would be unacceptable.
Finally, I have plenty of support through the other aspects of my
life. If there are academic concerns,
NCU provides excellent advisors who I can contact.
Three Resources from the Center for
Academic Success
I
have very much enjoyed utilizing the Writing Handbook. I have, in fact, printed most of the items
off for easy reference. I also have been
referred to, and have utilized, the Resources for Writers regarding APA
format. Finally, I can see where both the
webinars and the academic coaching services will be useful. I have not utilized them yet, but suspect
that I will. The other resources I use
each time I write a paper are the APA Publication Manual (required text for
NCU) and White’s Elements of Style (which I have from when I was in high
school).
Personal Doctoral Narrative
My
personal doctoral narrative would be identical to the narrative written for
motivation. However, I will utilize this
space to provide some background which may make my narrative more
understandable. And, may make my
statements about limited energy more relevant.
I
am 42 years old. I am a trauma
survivor. I have been involved in the
mental health system since 2nd grade when I expressed suicidal
ideation to my parents and was entered into counseling. I received counseling off and on through childhood
and adolescence. During that time, I met
criteria for Bipolar I disorder, OCD, PTSD, and GAD. However, diagnosis in the 80’s was different
than today. I believe my records show
mood disorder. While in college, I
engaged in intensive therapy and completed extensive self-work. I earned my contentment and stability. Today, I am not currently in counseling…. Mostly
because my last counselor moved. It is
likely I will partake in counseling services, off and on, through the rest of
my life when events are larger than my ability to cope.
I
currently meet criteria for cyclothymia, SAD, PTSD, and OCD (although my OCD is
mostly in remission). For the most part,
my symptoms are under control. I take
Prozac 20 mg daily (and have done so for the last 18 years) which allows me to
sleep at night. Without the Prozac, I do
not sleep. Without sleep, my symptoms
come back.
With the Prozac, I sleep.
However, I also lose the wild creativity which compelled me to write
poetry for hours at a time. It is an
acceptable trade. I express gentle
creativity through cooking, creating jewelry, and other arts/crafts. I write sometimes and post that on my blog. I take photos of wildflowers. Regarding OCD, I am quite organized, but no
longer feel compelled to line things up on shelves and desks with rulers and
t-squares. I have been stable for over a
decade.
I
have multiple physical issues. I have
extensive allergies, including anaphylactic reactions to airborne corn, wheat,
black pepper, and all derivatives of the three.
To someone who is not corn allergic, it is almost impossible to
understand the pervasiveness of corn and corn-based derivatives in American
life.
I am extremely lucky.
My allergies are, at least today, manageable. I am an excellent cook (and even have
published a grain-free cookbook for Kindle on Amazon). I can make most all foods I want. I know of others who cannot leave their homes
due to exposure problems. I can leave
my home. I can go to work. There is much I can do.
However, there is also the reality that when I go to the
store, there is a 75% likelihood I will be exposed to something which will
cause allergic reaction. There is the reality
that one of my clients may wear perfume when coming to counseling. There is the reality that having people into
my home means I WILL be exposed to fumes which off-gas from their laundry and
body products and it WILL cause some degree of reaction. There is the reality that my allergies are a
moving target and one day I will likely be housebound with them.
I
have migraines (which can sometimes blind me), fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis,
hypermobile joints resulting in joint damage, permanent nerve damage in my back
from a car accident, asthma, chronic ear infections, chronic bronchitis, and
assorted other issues. These all mean
that I ALWAYS hurt. And, that energy is
spent moving through the day regardless of the pain.
To
manage mental health and physical health, I must pay close attention to my
energy levels. For example, I got
overly-involved in homework last weekend and spent more time/energy than I
should have on researching/writing papers.
A paper was turned in late. By
Wednesday, the ear infection I had been managing was no longer manageable. I stopped using herbal and alternative
methods of treatment, got antibiotics, and slept the next 3 days. My eardrum burst on Thursday. I was back at work on Saturday. However, I am still very tired. So, my normal 9-10 hours of sleep is
currently about 13 hours of sleep.
In
my life, each action or choice has a fairly clear consequence. Taking two classes at a time was a lousy
choice. The amount of energy required
and the amount of stress generated resulted in reduced immunity, increased
infections, increased intensity of allergic reaction, and increased
inflammation. Choosing to go into stores
for Christmas presents compounded the consequences of taking two classes. The crazy weather complicated the
situation. It is likely going to take a
couple months to get back to my baseline.
To regain baseline, I will have to increase my wellness and self-care
practices. This will take time and
energy. This is my reality.
I
qualify for disability. I qualify for
ADA accommodations. I have chosen to not
pursue either. I need deadlines in my
life so that I can meet them.
Accommodations would result in very few met deadlines. Disability status has stigma which is
soul-sucking. I may not have a choice
about accepting disability in the future.
But I DO have one now. And I
elect to continue with what I can do, as I can do it.
When
I look at what I have overcome and what I deal with on a daily basis, I know my
own strength. When I stand on the core of
my being, I know my purpose is to serve.
When I see the need in the community, I know my passion. I am goal-oriented. I have spent a lifetime developing the skills
I need to meet this challenge.
This
needs done. I will make it happen. It is still that simple.
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